How stupid are these kids?įor now, I am back on the boardwalk, haggling shell prices by day and eating leftovers from Ricky’s Fried Shrimp Emporium by night. I merely hope I can one day fulfill my mother’s dream of never again having to hold up a conch shell to her ear and assure a sunburnt mother of six that her children will be able to hear the ocean in the damn thing. Since the pickled pepper industry virtually collapsed when the name Peter fell out of favor, I’ve had no choice but to return to my roots if I want to make the rent this month. Business in New Jersey is always steady because most of the shells on the beach actually are washed-up pieces of Grandma Betty’s dentures she lost on vacation last year. Instead, I have returned to Seaside Heights to stand on the boardwalk and convince frazzled tourists whose kids thought it would be a good idea to go to the beach in below freezing temperatures that their lives would be a little better with the purchase of a Blue Mussel shell, or a Knobbed Whelk. When I was informed that the shutdown would mean implications for our agency, I was crushed ( NOT a shell pun). I thought that I would never have to see another goddamn sand dollar again. By 25, I became head of the Seashell and Crustacean Commission. At the age of 23, I was the youngest person to ever be hired to an upper-level position at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Same shells, same greasy, sun-soaked tourists, year after year. Selling seashells by the seashore isn’t the worst job, but there’s no room for growth or upward mobility.
Now, they are shocked and dismayed that I have been forced by the recent government shutdown to return to the family business. When I graduated from Yale with my bachelors in marine biology, they could not have been more proud. Growing up in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, my parents always envisioned a brighter future for me. During the off months, father picked pecks of pickled peppers to make sure we had enough food on the table. It was the first job my great-grandmother had when she came through Ellis Island in 1917 at the age of 15, and it was the last job my mother had before she retired. The reports of Smith’s boom in business come only a week after commerce competitor Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.I never thought it would come to this, but I’ve had to resort to selling seashells by the seashore to make ends meet.įor generations, the women in my family have sold seashells by the seashore. “Sally’s selection of seashells is certainly the most satisfactory in the game,” commented customer and quality conch connoisseur Chris Cook.“I just wish she’d set up shop somewhere that isn’t so close to that damned woodchuck who’s always chucking wood all the time.” Sally’s Seashore-Based Seashells, which enjoys an almost 5-star TripAdvisor rating, caters to customers a captivating, comprehensive collection of calcium carbonate marine mollusk exteriors, snail spirals, and Caribbean queen conch coverings. “All we had to do was go to the seashore and find Sally.” “When my wife and I were looking to buy some seashells to decorate our new bathroom, we knew exactly where to buy them,” said seashore regular Richard Reisman, resident of the Rockaway Region.
Smith, who has become famous for her vending of the invertebrate exoskeletons, has attributed her financial success to the far-reaching slogan she devised to promote her business. Recent reports have shown that the seashore-based Sally Smith has resumed her business venture of peddling shells.
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